Church last night was some kind of amazing. We talked about forgiveness. I never thought I had trouble with this. You see, when I was 7 months pregnant, my husband said it was over. ( I'll save this devastation for another time.) I remember exactly when I felt I had forgiven him, I have even counseled friends on this! Six months after our painful breakup I began to pray FOR him, not for ME. I almost instantly felt a sense of relief and was able to move forward. (Well actually I moved into years of co-dependency, with an eventual release from its grip as well.) Over the past 8-9 years David and I have maintained a friendship. A friendship that seemed odd by most, but a friendship none the less. He is and has always been welcomed into my home and I his ANYTIME. Many times prior to marrying Ryan I have called him even in the wee hours to ask some sort of favor, some favors as big and small as looking around my home for burglars! LOL. Sometimes, I'd call cause I wanted a Mountain Dew and was flat broke (I also no longer drink soda :) When I married Ryan, David just came along as part of the package. Honestly I saw in myself what everyone around me was seeing, a mature forgiving relationship. Two people mending their past for the sake of their child. NOT SO. You see though I truly care for and about David, I had not really forgiven him. I just dressed up my unforgiveness in pretty clothes, which hid it from even me. After we were split up, he began telling people we were never married, we never even lived together, etc. I never confronted him about this either, just turned the other cheek, or so I thought. What I am able to verbalize today is that what I decorated to be forgiveness was entitlement. I felt he OWED me. He didn't want to be with ME anymore. He tarnished my image by telling others we were never really together. I was doing all the work with his (our) child. He OWED me. So I would invite him over, serve him tea with a smile, expect and receive his ACCOLADES, because I DESERVED them. This I now see is not forgiveness.
I am taken to the Scriptures with tear full repentance and read words like:
1 John 1 9-10: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his work has no place in our lives.
Colossians 3:13: Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord you.
Proverbs 20:22 Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the LORD and he will deliver YOU.
So last night the holy spirit ministered to me about my wrong. TODAY I am able to say DAVID if you are reading this: YOU owe ME nothing. Christ has treated me not as my sins deserve but just as I have already paid the penalty for those sins. I must extend the same to others.