Church last night was some kind of amazing. We talked about forgiveness. I never thought I had trouble with this. You see, when I was 7 months pregnant, my husband said it was over. ( I'll save this devastation for another time.) I remember exactly when I felt I had forgiven him, I have even counseled friends on this! Six months after our painful breakup I began to pray FOR him, not for ME. I almost instantly felt a sense of relief and was able to move forward. (Well actually I moved into years of co-dependency, with an eventual release from its grip as well.) Over the past 8-9 years David and I have maintained a friendship. A friendship that seemed odd by most, but a friendship none the less. He is and has always been welcomed into my home and I his ANYTIME. Many times prior to marrying Ryan I have called him even in the wee hours to ask some sort of favor, some favors as big and small as looking around my home for burglars! LOL. Sometimes, I'd call cause I wanted a Mountain Dew and was flat broke (I also no longer drink soda :) When I married Ryan, David just came along as part of the package. Honestly I saw in myself what everyone around me was seeing, a mature forgiving relationship. Two people mending their past for the sake of their child. NOT SO. You see though I truly care for and about David, I had not really forgiven him. I just dressed up my unforgiveness in pretty clothes, which hid it from even me. After we were split up, he began telling people we were never married, we never even lived together, etc. I never confronted him about this either, just turned the other cheek, or so I thought. What I am able to verbalize today is that what I decorated to be forgiveness was entitlement. I felt he OWED me. He didn't want to be with ME anymore. He tarnished my image by telling others we were never really together. I was doing all the work with his (our) child. He OWED me. So I would invite him over, serve him tea with a smile, expect and receive his ACCOLADES, because I DESERVED them. This I now see is not forgiveness.
I am taken to the Scriptures with tear full repentance and read words like:
1 John 1 9-10: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his work has no place in our lives.
Colossians 3:13: Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord you.
Proverbs 20:22 Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the LORD and he will deliver YOU.
So last night the holy spirit ministered to me about my wrong. TODAY I am able to say DAVID if you are reading this: YOU owe ME nothing. Christ has treated me not as my sins deserve but just as I have already paid the penalty for those sins. I must extend the same to others.

Dog School

Ranger started school yesterday. I'll think he'll be top of the class. He is our golden puppy. He's 3 mos old. Happy is our old girl (3 years old) we adopted her from a shelter (found her at PetSmart) one year ago. She is an awsome dog. We plan to teach her the things we learn at Dog school as well, even though besides jumping on people when they come in, she's got it goin on.

FROHAWK'S, STUPID PEOPLE AND ICE

WE ARE ALL HOME NOW SECONDARY TO REPORTS THAT AN ICE STORM IS COMING. NO ICE YET.

LAST EVENING BENIAM GOT HIS HAIR CUT INTO A FROHAWK AT HIS REQUEST. HE WAS CONCERNED THAT "MISS LORI" LIKE IT AND APPARENTLY SHE DID. RYAN WANTED TO PUT GOLD CHAINS ON HIM AND ROLL UP HIS SHIRT SLEEVES. OF COURSE, HE ALSO WANTED TO TEACH HIM TO SAY "I PITY DA FOO". I TOLD HIM DHS MAY COME AFTER US IF WE DID.

AT DINNER LAST EVENING NOAH TOLD ME THAT THE GIRL HE LIKES AT SCHOOL CAME TO SCHOOL TODAY AND TOLD HIM, "I DON'T LIKE YOU. MY DAD SAID I CAN'T LIKE ANYONE BLACK." MY RESPONSE TO HIM: "I'M SORRY SON PEOPLE ARE STUPID." AFTER I REGAINED MY SENSE OF TIME OF PLACE, WE PRAYED TOGETHER, ME AND THE THREE BOYS. I DID THE BEST I COULD THEN TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE REALITIES OF RACISM. HE UNDERSTOOD ABOUT AS MUCH AS ANYONE DOES. I KNOW SOME PEOPLES RESPONSE TO ME, OR TO HIM, WOULD BE THAT HE'S NOT EVEN BLACK. TO THOSE PEOPLE, IN CHRISTIAN LOVE :) YOU ARE STUPID TOO. HE IS BLACK AND WHITE AND ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL. THERE IS NOTHING BAD IN HIM. CHRIST LIVES IN HIM AND THRU HIM AND WORKS THRU ALL THINGS AND ALL COLORS ARE HIS.

Must read: www.wreckedfortheordinary.com

Lord please break me for the needs of others. Take my mind off of my wants. Lead me and give me courage to follow.

GREEN EYED MONSTER AND MOTHER T

PEOPLE ARE OFTEN UNREASONABLE, IRRATIONAL, AND SELF CENTERED. FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.
IF YOU ARE KIND, PEOPLE MAY ACCUSE YOU OF SELFISH, ULTERIOR MOTIVES. BE KIND ANYWAY.
IF YOU ARE SUCCESSFULL, YOU WILL WIN SOME UNFAITHFUL FRIENDS AND SOME GENUINE ENEMIES. SUCCEED ANYWAY.
IF YOU ARE HONEST AND SINCERE PEOPLE MAY DECEIVE YOU. BE HONEST AND SINCERE ANYWAY.
IF YOU FIND SERENITY AND HAPPINESS, SOME MAY BE JEALOUS. BE HAPPY ANYWAY.
THE GOOD YOU DO TODAY, WILL OFTEN BE FORGOTTEN. DO GOOD ANYWAY.
GIVE THE BEST YOU HAVE, AND IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH. GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.
IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, IT IS BETWEEN YOU AND GOD. IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY.

MY AUNT SENT ME THIS POEM TODAY, IT CAME AS A BREATH FROM GOD. I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH HOW TO DEAL WITH SOME INJUSTICE IN MY LIFE, OR REALY DEALING WITH JEALOUSY. I'VE KNOWN ALL ALONG WHAT I SHOULD DO, BUT NEVER FELT IT WAS FAIR. THIS POEM WAS A REMINDER TO ALWAYS "DO GOOD ANYWAY." THANKS TRACY!

ADOPTION UPDATE

WE HEARD FROM OUR AGENCY AND THEY SAID A TRAVEL DATE IN MAY WOULD BE "PUSHING IT." THOUGH IT GRIEVES ME TO BE AWAY FROM KALAB LONGER, I KNOW THE LORD WORKS FOR THE GOOD OF HIS PEOPLE. A LATER TRAVEL DATE MEANS, MORE TIME TO RAISE MONEY, (IF YOU'D LIKE TO DONATE, PLEASE CONTACT US AND WE WILL LET YOU KNOW THE OPTIONS) AND THE POSSIBLITY OF TAKING THE WHOLE SUMMER OFF OF WORK. NOT HAVING TO HIRE A SUMMER BABY SITTER WILL BE A RELIEF IN AND OF IT SELF.

AS SPRING BREAK DRAWS NEAR I LOOK FORWARD TO ADAM AND LAUREN BEING HOME. FEELS LIKE A LONG TIME SINCE THEY WERE HERE FROM CHRISTMAS. I'M GONNA TRY TO POST A PICTURE OF ALL THE KIDS, JUST FOR FUN, SINCE I HAVE NONE OF ADAM AND LAUREN ON HERE YET.

HAIR CUT

DERARA GOT HIS LOCKS CUT. I HAD USED WAX WHEN TWISTING HIS HAIR, SEEMS I SHOULDA JUST USED OIL. SO WE HAD IT CUT. HE WAS SO SCARED TO GO TO SCHOOL WITH HIS NEW DO. HE IS SO SPECIAL. HIS DETERMINATION IN ALL THINGS AMAZES ME. I AM HONORED TO BE HIS MOMMA.

REFERRAL LETTER

WE RECEIVED OUR ANTICIPATED REFERRAL LETTER FOR KALAB, IT SAID SHE'S A BOY! BUT THAT IS NOTHING A LITTLE WHITE OUT CAN'T FIX.

BIG BC UNITED HAS FIRST GAME

SIMON DERARA AND NOAH PLAY ON BC UNITED, RYAN COACHES. RYAN FORMED AN ADULT TEAM, ALSO BC UNITED AND THEY HAD THEIR FIRST GAME THIS WEEK. MIGHT I SAY MY HUSBAND PLAYED AWESOME AND SCORED AT LEAST 4 OF THE 8 GOALS. WE LOST 9 TO 8. THE OTHER TEAM WAS ALL IN THEIR 20'S. OUR TEAM, ALL PLUS 30. WE ONLY HAD 6 PLAYERS. WE HAD 5 HAS BEENS AND 1 NEVER WAS. SO A SCORE OF 9-8...PRETTY GOOD:)

EVENIN'

DRUM ROLL..................THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG AND MY FIRST POST. I PLAN TO USE THIS AS A PLATFORM TO DISCUSS THE ISSUES AND THE BLESSINGS OF MY EVERYDAY BUSY LIFE. TODAY IS SUPERBOWL SUNDAY. MY CHILDREN ARE STAYING UP PAST THEIR BEDTIME TO WATCH AND CONTRIBUTE TO THIS AMERICAN IDOLATRY. IT IS KIND OF EATING AT ME AS IT HAS ALL DAY. IT IS SUCH A BALANCING ACT TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO NOT BE MATERIALISTIC, TEACH THEM OF THE ABUNDANT LIFE THAT JESUS PROVIDES AND THEN ...ALLOW THEM TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL. NEEDLESS TO SAY I FEEL VERY ALONE IN THIS ONE. MY HUSBANDS RESPONSE WAS "OUR PASTORS ARE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL."AS IF THEY ARE PERFECT AND THAT MAKES IT ALRIGHT. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST SPORTING EVENTS. I ACUTALLY LOVE THEM WHEN MY KIDS ARE PLAYING. SO I SEE HOW MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WOULD ENJOY A GOOD GAME. BUT THE SALARIES! THE COMMERCIALS! HOW MANY ORPHANED CHILDREN COULD HAVE HOMES WITH THIS AMMOUNT OF MONEY. WE ARE STRUGGLING TO PAY FOR ANOTHER ADOPTION AND MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WILL SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON THEIR SUPER BOWL PARTIES. DOES THIS BREAK GODS HEART? IT BREAKS MINE.